The Derpy Dachshund: A Badger Hunter by Trade, a Goofball by Choice

There is a moment every Dachshund owner knows. The dog is sitting perfectly upright, like a small, serious sentry. Then the head tilts. The ears swing. The tip of a pink tongue slides out of the front of the mouth and simply stays there, forgotten, while the dog stares at you as though you are about to explain something important. You are not. You were just reaching for the remote. This is the derp, and the Dachshund has mastered it.

How a badger hunter became a derpy dachshund

The name tells you the original job. In German, "Dachs" means badger and "Hund" means dog. Dachshunds were bred in Germany to track badgers and follow them underground, nose first, into the den. The short legs were not decorative. They were for digging and squeezing into tunnels. The deep chest gave them lung capacity, and the surprisingly big bark meant hunters could hear where the dog was under the ground.

That is a fierce job history for a dog that now spends most of its working hours burrowed under a blanket with only its nose sticking out. The burrowing, at least, is honest: that instinct to tunnel never went away, which is why so many Dachshunds will not settle until they are fully wrapped in your bedding, like a hot dog in a bun of their own making. The fierceness never fully went away either. It just turned into something much funnier, because there is nothing more derpy than a twelve-pound dog fully convinced it is the most dangerous animal in the house.

The Derpy Dachshund shirt catches exactly that look: a cartoon black and tan Doxie sitting very upright, enormous ears, tongue out, wide happy eyes, under the words "Loved, spoiled, and extremely derpy."

Those three words are an accurate summary of most Dachshunds we have met. Loved goes without saying. Spoiled is usually confirmed by the number of dog beds in the house, which tends to be higher than the number of dogs. And extremely derpy is the part only owners fully appreciate, because from the outside a Dachshund looks dignified, and only the people at home have seen it fall off the couch while trying to look dignified.

The derp in its natural habitat

Every long dog has its own repertoire, but a few derpy dachshund moves turn up in almost every house:

• The forgotten tongue. Out. Staying out. No plans to come back in.
• The burrito. Fully wrapped in a blanket, sometimes so thoroughly that you sit on the lump before realizing it was the dog.
• The guard shift. Barks at a leaf, a delivery van and its own reflection with the same level of concern.
• The stairs. A long dog going down steps looks like a slinky that has made some decisions.
• The stare. Sits in front of you and waits, silently, for a snack you have not agreed to.

Smooth, long or wire: the derp comes in three coats

Dachshunds come in three coat types. Smooth is the classic short, shiny coat most people picture. Wirehaired comes with a rough jacket and a set of eyebrows and a beard that make the dog look like a small retired professor. Longhaired is soft and flowing, with feathered ears that swing when the dog runs, and on some dogs it looks surprisingly close to a tiny Setter.

The Dachshund Eating Ramen shirt is drawn for the longhaired crowd: a glossy red longhaired Doxie holding chopsticks over a bowl of noodles with a soft-boiled egg on top, ears flowing down past the rim of the bowl.

The ears are the funniest part, because any real longhaired Dachshund eating anything with sauce would be wearing it within seconds. The shirt also captures the breed's relationship with food, which is less "eating" than "intense focus with a side of guarding." Plenty of Dachshunds stare at a dinner plate with the same concentration their ancestors used on a badger den.

The one thing every long dog needs

Underneath the comedy there is one serious note every Dachshund owner should hear. That long back and those short legs make the breed prone to spinal disc problems, often called IVDD. Keeping the dog at a healthy weight, using ramps or steps instead of letting it leap off the bed and couch, and supporting both ends of the dog when you pick it up all help protect the back. If your Doxie ever seems to be in pain, is suddenly reluctant to move, or walks wobbly, call the vet that same day rather than waiting it out.

Then go back to enjoying the derp. You will find the derpy Doxie, the noodle lover, a drumming Dachshund and more in the Dachshund collection, and the rest of the derpy series is waiting for the other breeds in your life. Pick the one that matches the face currently staring at you from under the blanket.